As I was writing this piece, the famous lyrics to Justin Bieber’s song “Love yourself” hovered in my mind. “I didn’t wanna write a song, ’cause I didn’t want anyone thinking I still care I don’t but you still hit my phone up. And baby I’ll be moving on, cause I think you should be something I don’t wanna hold back.”
Too harsh? That’s what you are to me as a friend. And recently I have been silent and forgiving, giving you the benefit of the doubt and hoping that we can fix our friendship. But it seems to me that you have stopped caring at all. It hurts to have a lump in your throat and today I am getting rid of it.
After many years of being friends, the two of us have fallen apart. We have finally called it quits. Yeah, I know. It’s so damn sad so tell me about it (insert eye roll emoji here). I wonder what took us so long? And I keep asking myself why it took me this long to realize that you weren’t actually my friend. In fact, you were never a friend to me. I have realized you were actually forced to like me because I used to be an indispensable part of the food chain. You were just there because you thought that I belong in your circle, or that we have something in common. It turns out we do have a lot in common but our commonalities weren’t enough to cover our differences.
Don’t get me wrong, I was willing to set aside the differences but you chose to play the silent treatment card on me. Thank you for making me feel like I was nothing because it actually helped me get a clearer view of who you really are. So you can play your silent card on me all you want but it’s been awhile and I have a life to live.
Ever since you ditched me, I took time to look back and reflect in all the times we have shared together as “friends.” It surprised me to realize that we have actually shared more memories together than some of the most genuine friends I have in my life. What made it worse is that some of my most treasured memories were spent with you. That is why I really thought you were my friend. The series of unfortunate events recently however, have led me to believe that we are never going to turn our closeness back. Our friendship is so broken that when I looked into it I can only see nothing but shattered pieces of something that was once beautiful –or so I thought.
In a nutshell, I’ve also realized I could have spent more time with you had you not been so fake to treat me well when we’re together and talk behind my back when I’m not around. I know what you have been up to all these years. You were talking shit about me and painting a bad image of me to our friends. In fact, you have been so professional in faking your stories that I think they actually believe you now.
I cannot blame them for choosing to sympathize with you over me. They have never heard my side of the story. Not that they gave me a chance to air it or that I care to clean my name. You know I was never a kiss ass to everyone. And I have always believed I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my actions because I have always been an open book —honest and true. Oh, it must be hard for you to understand what that means because it’s everything you are not. I was never the “people pleaser friend” who does anything to keep being friends with our well-off acquaintances. I cannot blame you either –fake people only respect people with power. I do not have the money or the power to help you when you need something.
It’s funny when you had your son’s Christening two years ago. I was invited yes. But I quickly noticed that everyone of our friends was selected as “ninong” or “ninang” except me so I opted not to attend. Please don’t get me wrong, it was fine but to expect me not to react and just understand your choices would have been a violation of the unwritten constitution of our closeness. Every single close friend of yours had a special role in the ceremony and I was just an spectator, a regular audience, an outcast. Of course I was hurt knowing you have set my feelings aside. Of course, I sulked about it because had it been my own son or daughter, I would have automatically put your name on my list without hesitations. Did you really expect me to just sit there like an outsider while everyone close to you gather in front to have an official godfather/godmother photo with your baby? It made me question what am I to you. Am I just a distant acquaintance? Am I just a common friend? You knew that things like that are like privileges bestowed to close friends only. You didn’t think we were that close because you were just faking your friendship with me. You deliberately crossed my name out in your list of sponsors because why would you choose me when you can opt for a richer friend for a godfather to your son, all right?
Remember that one time when we were supposed to hang out in this new roof deck bar in Makati and three days before our agreed date, you went and visit the same bar without me? I was hurt so I confronted you and you told me I was being ridiculous. You told me I was being unreasonable and childish. “‘Wag kang mag inarte!,” you lashed out at me. I remember how you did not even bother to hear where I was coming from at the time. You just voiced out your feelings to one of our friends who generously sympathized with you even though he knew I deserved to get angry. We had a plan. You ruined the plan and decided to visit the place prior to our scheduled date and without informing me. You were not apologetic at all. You made it seem like I was at fault, like I did not deserve to rant because you can do whatever you want because you didn’t actually care whether I join you or not.
Remember when we were in Davao back in 2015 and we had an argument about our bed assignments? You knew that for years, I am known to be generous and quiet when it comes to backpacking rules. I never complained even if I was getting less this and that despite the fact that I paid the same amount you guys did. You never hear me get mad even if I was constantly given the extra mattress on the floor while the rest of the guys get the regular comfier bed. Remember when one morning you woke me up at 5:00 fucking A.M. because my “extra mattress” was preventing you from opening the door? You pointed out that I should have asked for another room instead. You told me that I should have made sure that I got a bed for myself as well when you knew that standard hotel rooms only had two beds and that it would cost me a lot if I booked a room of my own. That time, I was being nice and cooperative. I was being a friend to everyone and yet you somehow had the nerve to make it seem like I was a burden to the group.
I’m sorry to have disappointed you. I’m sorry that I was not the friend you thought I could be. I’m sorry that I could not afford to be there all the time especially when you need something. You never asked for my help either –partly because you did not trust me enough and partly because you would rather ask for help from your richer friends. I think that’s quite practical, isn’t it? Having said that, I understand.
What I do not understand is how you have managed to pose as a friend and talk all kinds of shit behind my back all these years when you could have rejected my friendship in the beginning. What I do not understand is how you are able to attend your Sunday masses and be the perfect con artist at the same time. What I do not understand is how you put the blame on me when you knew you were not a genuine person to me from the very beginning.
When I look back to the words you said behind my back, I feel like the piece of trash I am to you all these years. It makes me want to regret knowing you. It makes me want to just throw away that page of my life where you had been and move on. It makes me want to be angry at you for betraying my trust and everything we have had as friends.
But I don’t want to be like you, a hypocrite. Although I am not as religious, I do maintain a certain set of principles that I quietly and religiously adhere to.
Justin Bieber’s song maybe the most inappropriate for this piece but I wanted to point out that as the song says, it is okay to let go of the toxic people in our lives otherwise they will make it rain on our parades forever. So I will choose what is best for both of us and that is to forgive and move on regardless if I was being forgiven by you in return.
You may think that what I have presented above are petty issues that mature individuals who have deep love for each other could have resolved through a gentle conversation. You may think that I am being a needy or clingy friend and whatnot. You are free to have an opinion. But if someone who are best friends with you for many years treats you like this wouldn’t you get crushed and deeply hurt? And this is beyond the issues I have mentioned. This is something more than just an issue of not getting invited to a night out or losing an important role in your friend’s son’s Christening. This is about the trust and respect that real friends reserve for each other. This is about the courtesy you always give your friend because you two have been through a lot together. And if I cannot trust you with petty things such as keeping my secrets and protecting my image like I did as your friend for many years, then I surely cannot trust you with bigger things. You suck, you don’t deserve me and vice versa. And I wouldn’t wish you as a friend to anyone.
I am done letting you disrespect my boundaries. I will not allow you to judge me again based on your biased interpretations and selfish ways. I will not allow you to spread false accusations against me anymore. I will not tolerate your fake friendship in my life again. Lastly, I am not going to let you put me down, nor will I allow your friends to belittle me and make fun of me ever again.