It’s been a month since my mother passed away. She was alone in her house and was brought to the hospital by her neighbor four days before Christmas Day. She did not even reach the hospital. She died in the car on the way to the emergency. The medical staff who performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on her told us that she died of cardiac arrest and was dead on arrival. She was 66 years old.
I was at work when I received the call from my sister that our mom was brought to the hospital. It was around 10:00 PM. At first, I thought it was just one of those regular insulin rushes since my mom had been battling with diabetes for nine years. I thought that she would get injected the usual meds to stabilize her sugar levels and that she would be fine. At 1:30AM however, my sister called to deliver the sad news. I couldn’t accept it at one blow. My mom and I was texting around 9:00PM and she was happily recounting how her day went. I had to ask my sister to repeat eventhough she had said it clearly. “Mom has passed away.” I left work and ran to my car. I didn’t even know how I got to the hospital but when I did and saw my mom’s lifeless body lying on a stretcher inside a zipped bag, I knew I had to be strong. And as I walked near her, the pain fell on me like an avalance tearing up my heart and crushing every single bone in my body.
If you’d ask me how losing my mom must have felt, I cannot provide an answer. I can only tell you that it was unimaginable. It was like losing myself in the process or one hundred million times over. It was the most painful of all pains I have ever experienced in my entire life. My mother was my only best friend. She was the one who always accepted me for everything that I am and without inhibitions. She was the one who never left my side even when everyone in my life had left. Yes, there was a point in my life when I thought everyone had abandoned me including my close friends and tight circles. I was crushed by people whom I thought I could lean on. I was belittled and mocked behind my back by a bunch of people whom I thought were my true friends. She told me to forgive and move on but never forget. I could never explain the feeling of loss and emptiness now that my mother had left me for good because she showed me what true friendship means.
She was my confidante. She never gets tired of hearing my stories. And she always listened with utmost care and enthusiasm as if she was part of my struggles and successes. Indeed, she was. And it makes this piece all the more heartbreaking because my tears cannot help falling as I type every word.
I love my mom so much. She was the best mother in the world. She was the perfect best friend anyone could ask for. She always had the best advice and the kindest of words to live by. I owe so much of what I have become to her. And I owe her my life because she brought me into this beautiful world.
Growing up, I had so many ups and downs. I had been suffering from depression since I was eleven and my Mom did everything she could so that I didn’t succumb to the deadly condition. By the time I was in college, I had overpowered depression. I had totally conquered its influence in my brain. Nevertheless, my mom would constantly check me out even when I’m already living on my own.
Unlike some, my mother never made me feel that I was different. She never judged me for the things I did and instead encouraged me to remain kind and good to other people. She taught me that everyone will hurt me but it’s up to me to choose who among them are worth the pain. She would always joke around and tell me I was worth the pain. I know it was true.
I miss my mom so much now. My tears have subsided but the pain is still fresh. I don’t even know when this would be over but I guess it’s going to be around for awhile. Unlike my three older siblings, I am not married and have no kids of my own. I do not have a family and the thought of being totally alone scares me even more now that my mom is gone.
I thought I was living the good life. But I have realized that life is no good without a mother by your side. I wanna take back the days when I could freely hug and kiss her. I wanna take back the days when I’d come home to her big smile and loving embrace. Those days —where are they now? How do I get another chance?
Weeks after my mom passed away, I was a mess and I was crying everyday. I was alone in her house, standing on her porch and watching the same sunset that she had always watched alone when she was alive. How I wish I could watch the sunset with her now.
Inspite of everything, I had to come to terms with myself and pick up the pieces of my broken heart because I knew I should not let this tragedy destroy me. I still have a life to live. I still have dreams to chase. My mom was the reason I was always motivated to do better. She was the reason I fought for my life when I had lung disease last year. I have to continue her legacy.
You can say I’m living alone now. No more weekend visit to my mom’s house whenever I get the chance. Her house had since been opened for lease. And it was painful to see new faces move in. But just like me, the house had to go on as well. It is important to have people in it so it would be taken cared of.
I’m still scared at times. But the thoughts of my mom had kept me sane and positive. I have realized that I could use her death as my own motivation to live. I know that’s what she would have wanted me to do —to find the goodness in every bad, to be positive amidst all the negativities, to remain humble and kind towards people who wants to discredit my achievements.
I remember the long conversations I’ve had with my mom about friendship and why people seem to make it their business to put others down. She told me to remain silent eventhough I was hurting because those people would never feel pity or sympathy towards me. “They are not your person, they do not care about what you feel so just stay away from those people,” she said.
Life is difficult especially if you do not have a lot of friends. But I am thankful to those who stayed with me and those who never judged me. They are the people who truly know me to the core. They are the ones who would not believe in one-sided stories and stories made up by malicious people out of assumptions based on what I post on social media. My mom may no longer be here to listen to my sentiments about friendship but she always told me to ditch fake people in my life as early as I can because they will only hinder my growth as a person.
I think I have learned a lot of lessons from my mom to help me survive the coming years. I know I will survive this because she taught me to be a fighter. I know I will make it through anything because she taught me to never give up. I will survive because she taught me how.